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April 1, 2011 Special Dispatch No. 3724

Satirical Article in Qatari Daily: How Obama Abandoned His Arab Allies

April 1, 2011
Qatar, The Gulf | Special Dispatch No. 3724

In a satirical article in the Qatari daily Al-Arab, columnist Sharif 'Abd Al-Ghani ridicules the Arab rulers for thinking the U.S. administration a reliable ally, and ridicules U.S. President Obama himself for abandoning his former Arab allies. In the satire, Obama invents imaginary threats in order to turn America into a dictatorship very similar to the Arab regimes he had condemned and abandoned.[1]

The following are excerpts:

President Obama's Sleepless Night

"After helping his wife Michelle assist the kids with their homework and make them sandwiches for school, U.S. President Barack Obama had trouble falling asleep... He sat by himself in the White House garden and contemplated the situation of the world he is supposed to defend. He realized he had abandoned some of his fellow leaders, leaving them all alone to face the uprisings of their peoples... Gazing at the twinkling stars, he started to think. He picked up his mobile phone, which was lying on the table, and began to call these leaders.

"First he called [former Tunisian president] Zine El 'Abidine Ben 'Ali, to assure himself that [Ben 'Ali] and his wife Leila were well and that the billions were still [safe] in their bank account... Next he called [former Egyptian president Hosni] Mubarak and said to him in a contrite voice: 'I'm sorry I said the transition in Egypt had to begin now, if not yesterday. You are old enough to be my father, so I just wanted you to lay down the burden of government, of providing for the Egyptians and of coping with their enormous birth rate, of which you complained at length. But Mubarak only replied...: 'Go away, son. Go play [somewhere else,] far away from me. I deserve [my fate], because I believed the talk of someone like you about the strategic relations between us,' and slammed down the phone.

"Finally, Obama called [Libyan ruler] Mu'ammar Al-Qadhafi, but the latter ignored him, because he was busy delivering a long speech to his people that lasted till morning. [Al-Qadhafi] was promising [his people] to halt the sacred onslaught [of his armed forces] against them, [but only] after he purged the country of every last rat, and to renew [the military] onslaught after he exported a [new] people, consisting of mercenaries under his control.

"After Al-Qadhafi finished his speech, Obama tried calling again, and was surprised when [the Libyan leader] replied angrily: 'Who do you think you are?! Allah and millions of people are on my side. Forward! We shall not turn back! Alley by Alley!'[2] He went back to his revolution and did not hear President Obama's apology... nor his acknowledgement that Al-Qadhafi, the Commander of Nations and the Leader of Leaders, was his superior.

"As Obama finished his calls, he felt all choked up. He rushed to his wife's bedroom and woke her up. Alarmed by his agitation, Michelle asked: 'What's the matter? Has Bin Laden attacked our mansion? Has China attacked us with chemical weapons? Are the so-called North Koreans threatening us with nuclear bombs?' Obama assured her: 'None of these things have happened. The thing is that I abandoned Ben 'Ali, Mubarak, Al-Qadhafi, and others. I did not defend them.' He then went on to scold himself: "Obama, did you lose your senses to such an extent that you forgot the service Ben 'Ali had rendered [the U.S.] in North Africa? How could you overlook the fact that Mubarak, that source of wisdom, served as the constant defender of Israel's and America's interests, after taking part in besieging Gaza and destroying Iraq? Why did you ignore Al-Qadhafi's [decision to] give up his nuclear program... and to refrain from turning his country into a superpower threatening our presence in the region? How could you forget that the man's outrageous actions all served to strengthen our influence there?'"

Emergency Law Introduced in America

"Obama then turned to his wife and said to her firmly: 'What is broken can be mended. I need to take decisions that will improve my image in the eyes of these mighty leaders.' He then slept a few hours, and when the cock crowed, he summoned the National Security Council for an urgent meeting to discuss a matter of supreme importance... Everyone expected a dramatic [declaration] from Obama when he stated, hoarsely and directly: 'I have received alarming news that threatens the future of the entire American nation. The Japanese Red Army is working to [establish] sleeper [cells] on our territory. Now it has awoken and wants to overthrow our free regime and to spread abominable communism in our beloved homeland.' The [council] members asked him: 'How shall we confront this conspiracy, Mr. President?' Obama replied: 'After a long debate, the experts and I have come to the conclusion that the Red Army means to spread its conspiracy by exploiting the climate of democracy and openness in the U.S. Therefore, the solution is to close this door to it. I have come to a decision that I hope you will approve: to declare a state of emergency, [pass] emergency laws, change the constitution, revoke the [law] that limits the president to two terms in office... and outlaw the submitting of questions regarding the president's [policy]. He added: 'I swear on the heads of my children that I take these steps not out of lust for power, but in order to protect the state against a conspiracy that would destroy it and rob it of its dollars. If I lie, may the World Trade Center collapse on my head, and may the New York subway run me over...

"The members of the National Security Council heaved a sigh of relief. It transpired that they too had been holding similar conversations with their counterparts in the regimes of Ben 'Ali, Mubarak, and Al-Qadhafi. 'Of course we agree to any [idea] hatched by the mind of the president,' they said, and then shouted loudly: 'With Blood and Spirit We Shall Defend You, Oh Obama.'

"The constitution was amended, and the U.S. became a police state, just like Ben 'Ali's Tunisia. It matched Mubarak's Egypt in oppression, plundering and hereditary rule, and matched the regime of General [Al-Qadhafi] in populism, blood-thirstiness, and insanity.

"Obama ruled for 50 years, during which the U.S. lost its global status, its economy collapsed, and it started to receive [financial] aid. The land [crawled with] highway robbers and pirates, and the Americans wandered the length and breadth of their country looking for work. Many drowned trying to reach Somalia illegally in rickety boats.

"Just when the world was ready to write off the Americans as a dead nation, it was surprised by a comprehensive revolution that broke out in all the [American] cities and states, with millions marching on the White House crying 'The People Says Down with the Regime!' They were unintimidated by the police bullets, and were not afraid to answer the Wise Men of America,[3] who urged them to go back to their homes in return for Obama's promise that he would not run for another term in office and would not pass the presidency to his daughter, Sasha. [The people] cried: 'We will not go, he will go.' Obama found no way to confront the protesters other than summoning his relatives from Kenya, along with African mercenaries, whom he sent out to the streets to suppress the [rebellion] while shouting 'Allah, Obama, the U.S., Nothing Else![4]'"

Endnotes:

[1] Al-Arab (Qatar), March 21, 2011.

[2] A reference to Al-Qadhafi's February 23, 2011 speech, in which he promised to purge Libya of rebels "house by house, and alley by alley."

[3] This is a dig at the Egyptian "Committee of the Wise," a group of politicians and intellectuals who presented themselves as representing the protesters during the January 25 revolution.

[4] A dig at the slogan used by supporters of some Arab rulers, e.g., by Al-Qadhafi's supporters: "Allah, Al-Qadhafi, Libya, Nothing Else."

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