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February 3, 2009 Special Dispatch No. 2206

Reformist Arab Writers Write Satirical Letters from Obama to Arab Leaders

February 3, 2009
Special Dispatch No. 2206

Yemeni-American journalist Munir Mawari recently wrote a satirical article on the reformist Arab website www.aafaq.org, featuring an imaginary letter from U.S. President Elect Barack Obama to the leaders of the Arab world. In the article, Mawari ridicules the Arab leaders for congratulating Obama on his message of change while they themselves tend to stay in power forever, denying their people any hope for freedom and change. He also lambasts them for encouraging terrorism, spreading corruption and violating human rights in their countries.

In another satirical article posted recently on the reformist Iranian website www.khandaniha.eu, the website's editor, Manouchehr Honarmand, reacted to the letter sent by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to Obama. He wrote an imaginary reply by Obama to Ahmadinejad.

Following are excerpts from the articles, in the original English.

"The Peoples of the Whole World – Not Just Americans – Are Eager for Change"

"A number of Arab leaders, who have been in power from 20 to 40 years each, wrote to U.S. President-Elect Barack Obama congratulating him on the success of the 'change' he would bring to the United States. Since Obama did not respond to these leaders, the author of this article decided to volunteer to take on this task on behalf of Mr. Obama, as Thomas Friedman once did on behalf of President George W. Bush.

"Sirs, Presidents, Kings and Emirs of Arab States,

"Greetings all, Happy Eid Al-Adha... I have received with deep gratitude a number of congratulatory messages on my election as the next President of the United States. I apologize to you that I will not be able to reply formally, for the following reasons:

"First, I have not yet formally assumed my duties or moved into the White House. President Bush continues to exercise his powers until the 20th of January. I am committed to my country's customs and constitution, which do not allow the existence of two presidents at the same time. I have been told that you love exchanging cables with other leaders, and also that your official media love to cover this habit. I have been advised to have an intern in the White House who can devote his or her time solely to engaging in this hobby with you on my behalf...

"Second, Since the United States is rich in the diversity of its people with different experiences and backgrounds, an American of Arab origin volunteered to write this response to you. I appreciate that you took a portion of your valuable time to write to me, and I thank you in advance for setting aside some of the time ordinarily allotted to the vigorous suppression of your people, to read this virtual reply.

"Dear Arab leaders, I am sorry that I cannot use the word "friends" when I address you, even though I honor the friendship of your countries. Frankly, however, I care about your people's friendship, and I seek to earn the approval of the vast majority of your nations' populace. I do not want, therefore, to gain the friendship of only 22 persons while I simultaneously lose 300 million potential Arab friends, and more than a billion potential Muslim friends...

"While I thank you deeply for your tribute to freedom and democracy in the United States, and the yearning of the American people to achieve the dream of change, I would like to assure you that the peoples of the whole world – not just Americans – are eager for change. Perhaps, in fact, your peoples are more in need of change than any other peoples in the world. No doubt you aware of the matter, and by continuing your policies, you are helping your peoples to achieve this precious dream..."

"Most of You Have Been in Power throughout the Terms of Five U.S. presidents... and I'm Afraid that the Next U.S. President Will Receive Congratulatory Telegrams from you Again – on the Subject of Change!..."

"Although I have passion for the law and a legal background, my limited time has not allowed me to read each of your countries' constitutions. Yet I know that the constitutions of some Arab Republics limit presidential terms to two. It appears, however, that at times, the respective heads of these republics amend their countries' constitutions each time their final term draws close. They usually reset the meter, amending their constitutions, snuffing out the hopes and aspirations of the new generation by a stroke of the pen. Far be it for me to interfere in the internal affairs of your countries, Sirs. But since I have not started my duties as a U.S. President, I speak with you now strictly as a legal expert who wishes only the best for your people. I do not believe the myth that your clinging to power in your countries long beyond the time contemplated by your constitutions has led to stability, as you have claimed. Rather, it appears to have produced internal conflicts and even civil wars, from southern Yemen to northern Algeria, through the Saada and Gaza, Darfur and other hotbeds of conflict and massacres...

"Most of you have been in power throughout the terms of five U.S. presidents: Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan, George H.W. Bush, Bill Clinton, and George W. Bush. Some of you remain in power since the era of Richard Nixon and Gerald Ford. Yet you continue to preside, leading your peoples, from failure to failure, up until today, and I'm afraid that the next U.S. president, four or even eight years from now, will receive similar congratulatory telegrams from you again – ironically, on the subject of change!...

"Your staying in office all these years does not bother me personally; it does not matter to me even if this represents a discrepancy with your countries' Constitutions. I do not even care, in fact, if your sons inherit power from you when the grasp of your hands inevitably fail because of age alone. What I am interested in is the protection of major U.S. interests. Looking at the Guantanamo Camp, which I intend to close, I regret to have to mention that most of the guests from your countries fought together with Al Qaeda terrorist organizations in Afghanistan. Some of them even participated in planning the attacks of September 11th against our country. Don't you think we have the right to ask why all these dangers came from Arab countries? Are there others like Ramzi bin Al-Shibh, Abd Al-Rahim Al-Nashiri and Abu Zubaydah, who are eager to harm us and our citizens, while still enjoying protection from your "stable" regimes? Should we not protect ourselves from such dangerous people? Is it not right to ask whether your long terms in office make you at least partly responsible for what is going on, as we are reaping the results of your years and years of work? Is it not our right to wonder about the consequences of your preparing your sons to inherit the countries that their fathers have raped? This inheritance would lead, for a broad section of your people, to the utter loss of hope for peaceful change...

"Dear leaders, what is happening in your countries is very important to us, not only because of the humanitarian impulse imposed by our human values, but also because the threat of terrorism has turned your countries into breeding camps of international criminals. You can resolve a large part of this problem, and stop the threat that affects you and us, through peaceful and legal means, and by putting an end to the policies that worsened the problems, as follows:

"1. Stop the practices of corruption and tampering with the peoples' health and wealth...

"2. Prepare your countries for peaceful power transfers: Prepare your sons and families for your countries' benefit, and stop preparing your countries for your sons' and families' benefit. They will only inherit crisis and problems.

"3. End the highly centralized governments, which created major discontent in many areas of your countries...

"4. Stop the widespread and well known violation of human rights in your prisons, and immediately stop the kidnapping of activists and journalists. Release all political prisoners and apologize to them...

"5. Halt the abuse of migrants and stop treating guest workers as slaves under the guise of the "KAFEEL" system in the Persian Gulf states...

"6. Stop dominating and suppressing the media and inciting terrorism in the government broadcast channels, newspapers and official websites. Incitement to terrorism is the same as conducting terrorist acts.

"7. Respect minorities' rights and accept pluralism...

"8. Work on improving management and services, education and health in your countries. Since you have been so preoccupied with the establishment of armies to guard your palaces, you have been guilty of forgetting about the needs of your citizens....

"It is time, also, for me to remind you that, according to the system of our country's state department, we must know how our financial assistance abroad is being used. We have already provided you with the machinery and equipment to combat terrorism. Unfortunately, it was too often the case that your military and security forces used those resources against journalists and human rights activists. We cannot give cash assistance where we have reason to suspect that the resources will be used to fuel terrorism and corruption, rather than to combat it..."[1]

"Dear Mr. Ahmadinejad... Next Time You Feel Like Talking to Me, Please Call Me on the Phone – Only Please Don't Make It Collect"

Manouchehr Honarmand wrote in his imaginary letter from Obama to Ahmadinejad:

"Dear Mr. Ahmadinejad,

"I learnt of your letter to me when my chief-of-staff, Emanuel Rahm, informed me that we had to send three dollars to the post office to cover the costs of postage. Next time, please put enough stamps on the letters you send me. I had a hard time with my wife, Michelle, over this. She asked why we had to pay the postage costs of a letter from someone who calls us 'the Great Satan' and collaborates with the likes of Hugo Chavez. You know that, in the States, it's the wives who have the last word. It's not like in your country, where one can shut them up by giving them a sharp whack over the head.

"Dear Mahmoud, I hate to tell you that your letter caused us quite a bother. The White House translators couldn't or wouldn't translate it, saying it was a job for the department of religious propaganda. Eventually we had to ask for the help of our friends the Israelis who know Persian better than us and even maintain trade relations with you guys on the quiet.

"In your letter, you congratulated me on 'taking' the majority of the votes in the election, which I found quite puzzling. You should know that, in the U.S., presidential candidates do not 'take' votes but receive them from the public. People here do not go to bed on the night [of the election] and then wake up in the morning to find out who has seized the presidency... I have been told that, in one of your elections, a candidate took an afternoon nap, only to discover that, [while he was sleeping,] he had been eliminated from the running and someone else had won the election. Is that a true story?

"Mahmoud, darling, in another part of your letter you asked my country to pursue a policy based on 'justice, respect for the rights of human beings and nations, friendship and non-intervention in the affairs of others.' Frankly, this surprised me, because if you are alluding to executions, you guys execute as many people as we do. However, in this country, a capital case is debated for 17 years on average, while in your country, 17 is the age of some of those who are executed... As for intervention in the affairs of others, [you have a point,] we Americans do invest considerable funds in enabling Afghan children to attend school, in preventing Russia from imposing its will on Georgia, and so on. But you guys also intervene in the affairs of others – only instead of sending children to school you strap explosive belts around their waists. A few days ago, the media reported that a three-month-old baby had joined an [Iranian] suicide squad.

"Dear Mahmoud, I have no patience to read nonsense and respond to it, so next time you feel like talking to me, please call me on the phone – only please don't make it collect."[2]


Endnotes:

[1] www.aafaq.org, January 11, 2009.

[2] www.khandaniha.eu, November 11, 2008.

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